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empatheias contact post

[ for private telepathy, face-to-face, or if you're just dropping by... ]

[Every time she shifts, he's almost hyper-aware of it. The tiniest movement settles him further into her arms. He takes advantage of the pauses inbetween their voices to listen to her breathing. It adds another layer of warmth to the situation, somehow. Another layer of awareness, another thing proving this is real.]

[Besides that...it's just nice.]

[Though still stuck in a tar pit of his own guilt, he can't help but contradict what she's saying. Half-hearted attempts to push her away again, while still enveloped in her arms. Of course, there's no fight in him anymore; and her element of surprise certainly helped get the jump on him.]

It's mine. [He mumbles, now muffled by not bothering to turn his head again.] ...Should've done it sooner. Should've...

[He trails off, simply leaning into her embrace. Always been a hypocrite, hasn't he? He knows it. Never stopped him. Not when a large part of his life centers around woulda, coulda, shoulda, and always will. The thing is, he wants to take the blame, here - and be blamed. As much as her hurt and anger in turn hurt him, it was justified. And so was her absence.]

[Feeling a comfort like this, so close to her... It's not right. He shouldn't be allowed this.]

Is it. [What should be a questioning tone falls flat. It's not overtly disbelieving - he wouldn't dare talk down to her, his lack of emotional strength right now notwithstanding. It's almost a knowing tone, seemingly as aware as Anabel is that she's not sure if it's true.] I can promise a lot of things, but we both know that doesn't change what's already hurt you.

[ Her mind is running too fast without allowing her to catch up, so all she might be able to do is hope for the best. Movement is only noted when it's a greater shift or he speaks, although she knows that this is a turning point between them and hopefully one for the better. The close proximity and action itself in addition to the openness is going to change things between them possibly more than the knowledge that he'd imparted.

Her fingers twitch into the fabric of his shirt when he speaks and her voice raises slightly, with a healthy dose of honeyed sweetness for reassurance. ]

What is done is done. I understand you were trying to protect me, I know that. There... there was no good way to go about this. I knew that but it was still difficult to process. [ She felt like she short-circuited. Like everything was a lie. ] I hope that... you might understand where I was coming from and why I had to leave.

[ There is more that she means to say, but the courage finds itself lodged inside of her and incapable of blossoming further to say what she needs to. She understand where he was coming from, why he did that in addition to trying to protect her from the Ultra Beasts, but that doesn't make it any better. There really wasn't a good way to deal with this situation. ]

No, nothing can change the past. But I know better than anyone that it's better to look to the future and what can be found in it. [ To her, he seems stronger in a way. Perhaps it is the directness of it, even if he's avoidant. ] You still cannot answer me directly. I've only asked one thing of you and you're... [ She tilts her head more inward so her eyes can't be reached no matter how he might twist. Voice warm to his shoulder or maybe it's the heat rising in her face? She can feel it. ] You're all I really have. Not just here. Looker, too, but... but you're...

[The syrup coating her words is pleasant to the ears, but ultimately makes this worse. Shouldn't she be the one upset beyond recognition? Shouldn't he be the one comforting her with sweetened words?]

I do understand. 'S how I don't know why you're back.

[It doesn't really matter to him that there was no good way to handle the information. Just because he was between a rock and a hard place doesn't mean Anabel had to suffer for it. After all she had been through, she didn't deserve to be hurt further, but there it was.]

I was out of your life for ten years. All of them were spent lying to you. [It's as if he can't help himself; she's back, sharing a new intimacy with him and expressing wishes to remain, yet Nanu still tries to make her see him as unforgivable.] You deserve better.

[The color that had been returning to their house seems to stall, halfway back to its full saturation. At the same time, Nanu's hold on Anabel tightens and as a result, he leans further into her. Closer. As if he's physically trying to keep her there while mentally trying to ward her off. Two conflicting sides of himself, speaking one way but acting another. He's blind to what he truly wants, and subconsciously, he's attempting to prevent himself from sabotaging it once and for all.]

[ It permeates, genuine and kind. Although perhaps it isn't the best approach, at least it is very clearly genuine. There's no room for her to falter or force anything, playing coy or rough. Not when it could end in a way that's terrible. ]

I don't understand. Shouldn't that tell you why I am?

[ She thought, perhaps, it didn't matter. But the reality of it was weighed out. Hidden information or him. Him or hurt. The answer was obvious. ]

Then give that to me.

[ It's too easy to let that out, to say it with a bordering overwhelming frankness and sincerity. She means it. Why bother with "better" from someone else if even the slightest difference could be offered from him -- and she knew even at his worst, she still... well, she wanted him. Although it's not the most easy to accept the why or how of it.

She's careful if not uncertain and shy about it, but she brushes her lips ever-so carefully to his jaw, close to his neck. It's over as quickly as it has begun, only a shadow of lingering. ]

Please do not tell me or try to convince me what I should want. There is no decision I make without great consideration and you should know that. [ He should know that she wants him. However he is willing to give himself, she will accept it. ] If... it is something you do not want, that is fine. I will respect that. But... but regardless of where we are, it is you who I wish to be with.

[ The phrasing is, perhaps, too clear. ]

[At first, he doesn't answer. He can't think of a comeback to her logic, which settles into his mind and grabs hold; the mental equivalent of grabbing someone's shoulders and shaking them into realization. Shouldn't that tell you why I am? His fingers curl deeper into the fabric of her clothes.]

[Anabel's telling him point-blank what she wants. If he denies those wishes, would she still stay, he wonders? Immediately, that thought is banished; he would never go that far. He couldn't go that far, even if he wanted to. She knows him, quite possibly better than anyone - barring Looker. She knows he's chock full of secrets and mysteries, keeps himself in the shadows both literally and metaphorically, and rarely gives a straight answer to opt for cryptic messages and turning circles around the subject. The fact that she's asking him for this so openly, so direct, shows how much this means to her; and that's not counting the emotion in her voice that leads him to the same conclusion regardless.]

[Her lips ghost his jawline. It gives him goosebumps and a chill. Another wave hits him as she tells him that she's already made her decision. Nanu should know she doesn't take serious matters lightly, even a situation like this in whicih it's painfully obvious they're both unprepared for.]

[With his face in her shoulder, she doesn't see him squeeze his eyes shut during her finishing declaration. It is too clear. Too direct. Much more direct than either of them have ever been. And with that one sentence, she sends him into surprise yet again tonight.]

[This pause is longer. Too long. It has to be, with the amount of information Nanu has to process; with every factor affecting his next words. He has to choose them carefully. The ground they're on isn't as precarious as it had been, but it's still unsteady. The only sign that he hasn't shut down completely during this bout of silence is the presence of his hands gripping the fabric of her shirt. And once they start to loosen, it means he's ready to respond.]

...I'm doing it again, aren't I?

[Slowly and very reluctantly, Nanu pulls back from her embrace. Not completely or even too far, and slow enough so they can both shift comfortably from their positions. He's still close - he only pulls back enough to raise his head to meet her eyes (finally), back hunched and still leaning toward her, still inside each other's personal space. His arms come loose from around her, but they linger on her arms, cupping them near the elbow and forearm. Perhaps this entire movement, too, is direct; purposefully maneuvered so Anabel doesn't think Nanu's trying to distance himself in any way.]

[Even then, it's another few seconds of awkward silence as he looks at her. Bags upon bags under his drooping eyes, filled with exhaustion and grief. Hers are so beautiful in comparison.]

Thing is... I do believe you deserve better. Better than a wretch like me. ...I know I can't convince you of that. [pause] ...But I'm done treating you like you don't have full agency over yourself. That ended the same moment I told you the truth. I'm... I'm not going to act like you haven't thought this through all the way. I know you have. You're smart. You've got a good head on your shoulders.

[Another pause; he flickers his gaze down and off to the side.]

...If you say you'd rather have me, then I'm... ...... [He briefly looks...pained? Still filled with grief? Confusion? It's hard to tell. His hands twitch against her arms.] ......I know I'd rather have you than anyone else.

[There it is.]

[ That's because there's no logical comeback. She's right on it and she knows that. Her phrasing, she realizes, might evoke something else and for the flash second that she considers that... she accepts that she would be fine with that assumption. Even if it turned into nothing or meant nothing to him, although she'd hope that perhaps it might bolster his ego or make him feel less as if he's undesired. She's not sure how to convey that she truly, genuinely means that there's no one else she'd rather be stuck here with. Looker was a close second, but even if she was forced with a decision she knows the answer.

It's the same answer it's always been.

Perhaps too intimate in gesture, at this point the Skitty is out of the bag and there's no turning back. If he can take anything away from her touch -- any of the way she touches him -- then she knows that she's succeeded.

The silence on both ends feels thick and invasive, more invasive than exchanging a conversation just in their minds. Like fear is manifesting and holding them down, choking back words. Maybe she's just projecting and it is only her? She doesn't know.

That he pulls away isn't disappointing; he still keeps contact of his own volition and somehow that is more reassuring and feels better in a way than anything else thus far. Even if it's exclusively for her sake, it's still something wonderful and new. Something she can't deny she's desired, even if she can feel a chill run through her and goosebumps start to raise. ]

Then I don't have anything to say because you understand that. [ The phrasing. Deserving better. Than what? What exactly was their relationship anymore? It was so convoluted. Not rocky, but still uncertain. The original definition blurred long ago and still remained illegible. ] Thank you.

[ For the compliments. For accepting how she feels. For being here, for... whatever this is. That he'd rather have her than anyone else. His own phrasing a match for hers and she's unsure how to progress. Naturally, she supposes?

No pushing, though she can feel the gloss over her eyes when she sadly shakes her head. ]

You're worth my time. You can act like a bit of a wretch, but you aren't. I wish I could do something so you wouldn't feel so... miserable. [ She clasps onto him, holding onto his arm as she leans in now, pressing her head to his heart. ] Even if you don't mean that, it's alright. I just want to be here, with you. So... if you don't mind, I'd like to stay here again. With you.

[Hesitantly - very hesitantly - he leans down a bit until his head is resting on top of hers. At least, on top of her hair; it's such a foreign gesture to him that he's not putting the full weight into the lean. The pillow-like puff of her hair helps to create a sort of barrier, but it's still obvious he's holding her close.]

[Her words aren't reassuring, like they should be. They wouldn't be, of course, as nice as they are coming from her. He's miserable because he makes himself miserable, that much is obvious. It doesn't stop the self-hate and deprecation, nor what he believes is fact: she deserves much, much better than him. But now isn't the time to harp on it, both due to circumstance and the firm knowledge that Anabel would continue to rebuke his beliefs. She always saw better in people, Nanu knows, and someone so entangled in her life as he is would be far from an exception.]

[It's awfully hard for him to understand.]

[He swallows, hard, silent as he listens to her as they both lean into the other's touch. Though he makes sure his breath doesn't hitch, the way his fingers subtly squeeze is proof that her words are affecting him. And when the last couple of sentences come around, his breath stops for a few seconds too long and his head dips even further into her hair.]

...I mean it.

[Too quiet, almost muttered. He's sounded exceedingly depressed this entire time, but that made it a little worse; if only because she had phrased it like he might have been simply placating her instead of really, truly meaing it.]

If you think you can stomach me, after all this... I'd never turn you away. I would hope you know that.

[ She's aware of it. Not just because she can feel the way he moves otherwise, though. This is something new to her, something she hasn't felt before, so she's... intimately aware of it. His touch is nearly electrifying the closer he gets and it takes some effort not to just deadweight against him and just stay this way as long as he'll allow.

Anabel isn't sure if she is able to affect him, although she didn't think she would to begin with and look at how things had gone when she'd left. She just wants him to feel different than he has while she was gone and the way he seems to be internally. All he had to do was just listen to her and hear what she is saying. Maybe if she carried on this way that he might eventually take it to heart. He touches her and she can't help but subtly lean into it, tilt her head upward so she can really feel him against her when he seems to do the same.

She breathes him in and it comforts her, makes her feel safe. He's always made her feel so safe.

It's then that it really dawns on her. Between his rugged appearance and the way he holds onto her as much as she does him that things have changed -- or perhaps they just were as they always had been but now with clarity. Clear rather than fogged over, something clicking into place and stirring up the start of a revelation that somewhere she's always known. ]

I've never struggled to enjoy your company, not even when you've tried to push me away. [ She understood why all the better now and in many ways, it only had her feelings entrenched more deeply. Made them much brighter and stronger. ] I... I do hope you truly mean that. I do not wish to be with anyone else, so I... [ It would devastate me. ] I just want to be with you again.

Edited (ugh my hands are messing everything up today) 2018-07-27 03:33 (UTC)

[He'd accept that deadweight. Just to be able to hold her so close, after weeks of miserable loneliness and self-neglect, consumed by guilt and believing she would never - and should never - come back... It's an odd sort of relief, when he tries to think about it from her perspective, but relief nonetheless.]

[Nanu does not want to let her go.]

[Breathing in the scent of her hair and the soft tuft underneath his chin, reminds him of lilac gardens and Whimsicott in the wind and Poni Meadow with the elegant Sensu Style Oricorio who dance there. The warmth of her weight against his, reminds him of the panic of her ill-fated arrival on the ocean shore and the way she felt in his arms as he placed her on the stretcher and the relief of finding out she was going to make a full recovery. Her words of comfort and longing, reminds him that she is her own person who has endured far too much for any one person to handle and despite everything she finds solace in him. They find solace in each other.]

[Anabel reminds him of home.]

[Gently, almost minutely, Nanu holds her tighter.]

...I'd like that.

[ Somewhere, the knowledge that he holds those feelings of his so close float around. She knows, she knows that he is thinking something pessimistic instead of just seeing things blatant, as they are and as they hover and care deeply between the two.

She's careful in how she keeps him near, like his heart is held between his hands still and with the slightest squeeze it may very well burst. But she's sure he doesn't realize he has that power over her or this situation and wouldn't even consider it if he did. Instead... she wonders if perhaps, she actually does have all the power right now? He seems to be suggesting it and that makes her feel unraveled somewhat. ]

I'm... I'm glad. So don't be like this, alright? You're not alone, Nanu. You've never been alone -- not since we've met, anyway. Here or back home, even if all of this is forgotten, I... [ It's starting to fall into place. Piece by piece. Each word, each thought, each feeling. She should know by now. What she feels. ] Alright? You should go pay attention to your pokemon; they're worried, you know. As worried as I've been.

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empatheias contact post

NYOU KEEP THOSE OUT OF MY INBOX

TOO LATE I PULL ANOTHER BOTTLE OUT OF MY PURSE

WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY

MY EYES HURT A LOT OK????

UNACCEPTABLE !!

I KNOW I WANT MOIST EYES

THAT'S WHAT THIS THREAD IS FOR

UM THIS IS ALL NICE AND GOOD AND NOT SAD THO

GOOD THINGS BRING TEARS TOO

EXACTLY YOU UNDERSTAND FINALLY